Nate on Grant Morrison

Recently, the guys on the IsThisThingOn podcast had a discussion about a comic book writer named Grant Morrison. You may have heard of him, he’s the creative madman behind Vertigo Comics like The Invisibles, Doom Patrol, Animal Man, The Filth, and We3. Overall, these are some of the most trippy, wild, high-concept, blow-your-mind stories that you’ll ever come across, in any story-telling medium. Seriously, read enough of Grant’s work and you might find your brain behaving in ways it was never meant to.

But during our conversation, we tossed around some ideas about what it must be like to actually be Grant Morrison, and how the world must look from his point of view. The following are just a few of the points that came up (written with all apologies to chucknorrisfacts.com).

Life As Grant Morrison

Grant Morrison regularly travels back through time, and has become his own ancestor on more than one occasion.

In Grant Morrison’s world, Jack Kirby is an ancient God, and he whispers to Grant while he sleeps.

Whenever Grant Morrison needs some quiet time to write, he teleports into the Marvel Comics Universe and the Blue Area of the moon.

When Grant Morrison is agitated, he can lactate super-intelligent sperm from his nipples. And they only speak in binary code.

Grant Morrison has sampled every mind-altering drug known to mind, and many that aren’t.

Grant Morrison exists in at least three more dimensions than anyone else.

Grant Morrison regularly eats breakfast with Cthulhu, Tiamat, Dagon, and the rest of the Elder Gods. And they eat pancakes made from human souls.

Grant Morrison once had hair. The tale of how he lost it has been known to drive grown men mad.

Grant Morrison has a miniature white star where his heart should be.

Intelligent beings on the sun are trying to communicate with Grant Morrison by way of solar flares and Morse code.

Scientists are still struggling to understand the effects of drinking Grant Morrison’s sweat and urine.

Against common belief, Grant Morrison doesn’t eat his own young. He smokes their unborn fetuses in a water pipe.

Samples of Grant Morrison’s DNA have been known to spontaneously combust when directly looked at.

Grant Morrison can see in colors that haven’t been invented yet.

Grant Morrison has been through seven different apocalypses. After each one ended, he just ret-conned the planet.

A vampire once drank Grant Morrison’s blood. He immediately transcended space and time.

Grant Morrison’s toilet flushes into the Phantom Zone.

Grant Morrison knows what really killed the dinosaurs. But his only comment on the matter is, “You’ll see.”

-Nate